Goddamn it old man!
by Neko-pandas
Summary: Nami, Riko, and Satsuki Nekono, three lazy geniuses. Actually, Nami and Riko are lazy geniuses. Satsuki is a normal genius, thanks. But even these three geniuses can't predict what the old man Naruto so affectionately calls 'jiji' has in store for them: dragging the Akatsuki through Konoha as a mission! The triplets aren't sure, but the old man DEFINITELY has more paperwork coming!
1. Prologue

Nami was wondering what in the Elemental Nations the old man (commonly known as the Third Hokage) smoked, because _surely_ he was simply under the _influence _and he _did not _mean to tell her what she _thought _he was telling her and her twin, _right?_

… Because there was _no way _that this was coming to _them_, two fresh academy graduates, _right?_

"So, Nami, Satsuki, do you two agree to a humble old man's proposition for you?"

"Old man?"

"Yes?"

"What the _hell _do you _smoke? _Because _usually_, just-graduated academy students get _boring, regular_ D-rank missions, _not_ ones that require them to lug around _cages_ with the _Akatsuki _in them. So _obviously, _you are not in your right mind if you are giving this to _us. Right?!"_

Nami was, at that moment, incredibly grateful that she had an identical 11-year old twin that often has the same thoughts as her. And by _often,_ she meant _always_.

"Just a little something that helps me deal with all the stress that comes with being Hokage and having to run an entire village with an _entirely_ unhelpful council," the Hokage replied, quite cheerfully. "So, Nekono twins, what do you say? And when you answer," the old man continued, cutting off Nami's protest. "Please_ do _keep in mind your mother's _reaction _to all of this if she ever finds out you ever said no to a mission that would immediately jump you to jounin, at the very least. She's already mad enough that you two put off graduating as long as possible and could have easily made it into ANBU, but chose not to."

Both twins instantly paled, to the interest of the Akatsuki, who were all observing this scene with various degrees of interest.

"Alright, old man, we agree. Mom would've _killed _us if she found out we said no, and I rather enjoy living and I vaguely get the impression Satsuki does as well,"

"Great!" The old man clapped his hands as a sign of happiness, but it was really the signal for the ANBU to put chains on their ankles. Oh, they _noticed _alright, but they were kind of in a daze because they were told some rather shocking news.

The Nekono's shook themselves out of their stupor, and, noticing the chains again (before, they simply registered it in the back of their subconscious), they followed the chains path, which eventually led to the cages.

They stared for a minute before they each had a question.

"Wait, how does this get us promoted to jounin? Cause I want to fail it. That way I won't have to listen to Naruto's complaining…"

"Hold up, what're we supposed to tell our friends? They'll get suspicious. And if they didn't, well, they're morons, which I'm pretty sure they're not. I mean, Naruto is about half the time, but Sachi and Sasuke won't."

They both pretend not to notice how Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly at the mention of his little siblings.

The Hokage starts to answer their questions, until they're both (apparently) hit with the same question.

"Hey! How come Riko doesn't have to be a part of this?!" They both yell out in anger, pointing at the Third Hokage in an accusatory fashion.

The Third puts up his hands, trying to placate them (and having very little success), he is (quite gratefully) saved by the lighting up of their clan marks, of which all Nekono's are born with.

He chuckles genially, waving aside their questions while smoking his beloved pipe once again.

They glare at him. "Well?!" They demand in unison.

"Run along, you two. That's your mother if I'm not mistaken, and she was quite the promising Kunoichi at your age. And if I'm not much mistaken, she lived up to that promise on the battlefield. In fact, when she had her own genin team, I'm quite sure she scared them into obedience."

They open their mouths to speak, but are interrupted by the glowing of their marks once again, and brighter this time.

They pale, knowing what this means. Their mother is _pissed _and the wisest thing to do when she's pissed is to try to appease her as best as you can. And I'd she sends you to the hospital, well, be glad it's not to heaven or hell.

They pale even more so when one of the ANBU steps forward and informs them, "I can certainly prove that, what with me being on her genin team and all."

They glance at each other before doing what is undoubtedly the smartest move of all:

Turning tail and running home as fast as they can.

The Third Hokage simply chuckles at them, smoking his ever beloved pipe. His good mood lasts until his secretary brings him his daily paperwork. He sighs, thinking that one day he'll die doing paperwork.

Back at home, the Nekono twins know that he is suffering, and relish in the fact.

"You two! Clean your rooms! They're filthy!"

They sigh. They'll live their life away cleaning their rooms.

But for now, they have to figure out how to live with the Akatsuki behind them for…

"How long did the old man say this was for, anyway?" Nami asks.

Satsuki groans, and so does Nami.

They could very well be stuck doing this for years.

And at this point, Nami would've _gladly_ become an ANBU instead.

Really, so would Satsuki.


	2. Sensei's and graduation tests

_**Chapter one: Sensei's and graduation tests **_

…

_**Thoughts: **__'thoughts.'_

_**Speaking: **_"Speaking."

…

Satsuki and Nami were both cowering under their Kaa-san's furious glare.

Well, they _would_ be cowering _behind_ their Onee-chan and their Onii-chan, but they had both taken one amused glance, said something about when _they _were eleven, _they _had no one to cower behind, so _they _would have to do that too, but _next time_, they could cower behind them all they wished. Then they vanished.

Translation: Suck it up, you two. It's your fault for doing whatever you two did to make mom mad. We had no part in it so we're not going to help you out. We might next time. _Might._

"Hey, Kaa-san? What did we _do _to make you so mad?"

"Well, _Satsuki," _She flinched at the steel edge in her tone. "_Your _weapons are _all over _the floor in Nami's room,"

She rounded on Nami, who was fervently hoping that before she left she had had the good sense to put away her practice seals, and snapped, "And _you, Nami_, didn't put away your practice seals, so _now _your _bed _is _melted_, so I don't know _where_ on earth you're going to sleep tonight."

They waited for a minute, each wondering if they were about to get yelled at for something else. When it became apparent that they were still there, their Kaasan rounded on them both and snapped, "Well? What are you waiting for? GO CLEAN UP YOUR MESSES!"

They ran as if their lives depended on it.

…

The Akatsuki were, to say the least, puzzled about the strange girls they had been put with.

Hidan was so surprised, when he finally talked to them, after they had run from their mom to begin cleaning their (admittedly large) messes, he didn't even swear. Much.

"Why aren't you two crazy bitches madder about this shit?"

"Why aren't _you _madder about being put in a cage, handcuffed to the wall, and chained to the feet of two 11-year-olds?" Nami asked him as she tried to salvage her ruined bed.

"Nami. Satsuki. Why the hell do you have the Akatsuki chained to you?"

They pause until they remember their question from earlier,,"Hey, Riko! Why aren't _you _part of this?" They both demand angrily, scowling.

Riko simply stares at them. "No clue." She said, shrugging.

"Anyway, are you going to answer my question, or am I going to have to guess?" She asked airily _and_ rhetorically I might add, because she _knew _that she was going to have to guess. They stayed silent. "Guessing it is then." She mused.

"Okay, so, the old man had someone drag you to his office," She paused, adding on, "And you two forgot to clean up what you were doing," They both nodded, signaling for her to go on, "So then he told you about this shit, and to get you to agree he threatened you with Kaa-san because he knows she's already mad at us for putting off graduation as long as possible, even though we _technically _still graduated early. And for flunking the ANBU thing on purpose." The last part was muttered to herself, but the rest was true.

They both nod. She stays silent until she has another question. But instead of asking them, she asks the Akatsuki.

"So, how'd they get you?"

They stare at her.

She waits. Eventually, someone answers her.

"For a 10-year old, you're quite good at _guessing_ things." Pein states calmly, redirecting the focus of the conversation.

"I'm 11. And you still haven't answered my question." She replies, her eyes gleaming with interest. After a minute, she adds on. "Pein."

That gets their attention, all right.

"How do you know my name?" Pein asks her, his Rinnegan eyes focused on her.

She's not the least bit deterred. But instead of answering, Satsuki beats her to it.

"We may or may not have stolen a scroll on you guys out of sheer boredom." She pauses, thinking over her sentence, before sheepishly adding on, " And Konan too, of course." She flashes Konan a small smile. Konan returns it. Nami stops cleaning and abruptly opens the window.

Deidara opens his mouth to direct a question at her, but is interrupted by a ball of sunshine coming in through the window that had just been opened by Nami.

"Hey guys! What're you guys doing? Why's your bed burnt, dattebayo?"

"Hey Naru." The triplets say in unison.

Naruto stops for a minute and, upon noticing the Akatsuki's presence, tilts his head and asks them why they're chained to the Akatsuki, dattebayo.

Sachi and Sasuke make their presence known by saying bluntly, "If the Hokage told you this is a goddamn mission, then he's honestly going senile."

They drop onto the ground after seeing that Nami's bed was ruined.

"And why on earth do you tw- three idiots keep experimenting in Nami's room? Pretty soon her room's just going to become a disaster zone." Sachi says, examining the room carefully. "Actually, it already is."

And it's true.

Nami's room is utterly (and completely) trashed. There's the (now ruined) scroll of seals that Nami had been experimenting with in the corner, the floor around it charred, along with seals that had backfired written haphazardly on it, along with the random scattering of the weapons that Satsuki had been tampering with, and a (surprisingly) non-ruined set of poisons that Riko had been fiddling with to coat on top of Satsuki's weapons and everyone else's weapons too.

Nami examines her room too, and upon seeing the disaster zone her room had transformed into, she spins around and tells them nonchalantly as possible,"If you're _going _to experiment with poisons," Here she stared at Riko meaningfully, "Or tamper with weapons and leave them lying around the room," This time she stared at Satsuki meaningfully, "Then do it in _your _rooms. _Not mine._" She hisses angrily.

She finishes cleaning her own mess, and upon seeing her glare, her sisters dutifully clean up their messes too. Well, actually, _Satsuki_ cleaned up her mess. Riko just took her set of poisons and disappears to her room, deposits them there, and saunters back in.

"So, Nami, Riko, Satsuki, ready to graduate tomorrow, dattebayo?"

"Naru, we already graduated." Nami says, now laying on her bed spread-eagled on her futon, which she had gotten out of a scroll she sealed it into.

"Whaat?!" Naruto yells, mind-blown.

From downstairs, everyone can hear an echo of what Naruto had just said: "Whaat?!" And then maniacal giggling.

The triplets groan in unison.

"Great." The triplets say tonelessly, staring at the door. "Now she'll be saying that _all day_ at the very least. Naruto, you _know_ Akari repeats any word she hears, especially if it's loud."

They hear it again: "Whaat?!" And even more maniacal giggling, but this time from their little brother, Sora. "And now he's doing it too."

The three of them groan while the Uchiha's snicker at their misfortune. "Naruto!" They yell.

He scrambles out of their reach and Satsuki reaches for one of her katanas, but before she can,

They hear a knock at the door.

"Come on in, Sakura." Nami calls out. Sakura's the only one who ever knocks on the door. For that matter, she's the only one who _uses _the door. "Good timing. Now we'll only have to explain this once."

Sakura comes in curiously, her eyebrows furrowed together in a look of confusion. "Explain _what _onc- oh." She catches sight of the Akatsuki and falls silent, turning to them and lifting her eyebrow. "Well?" She asks them, settling down on the floor carefully and propping her head on her hands, her elbows on her thighs.

"Well, the old man called us to his office," Nami began, ignoring Satsuki's mutter of "More like he had some random person come and grab us to take us there,"

"And he told us he had a," she paused, searching for the right word, "a _mission_ for us, and he told us that we had to lug around the Akatsuki in cages, basically."

"Mmm," Sakura hums, "and I suppose he threatened you two with… your _Kaa-san_, so _then _you agreed to do this_ mission,_ right?"

Nami and Satsuki nod slowly. A second later, they hear manacles (or handcuffs on ankles) fall off of Nami's ankle.

Nami sits up straight. "Riko, _what _are you _doing?"_ She groans.

"Taking off your manacles, obviously."

Nami pauses. Then she shrugs and lays back down.

"Hey!" Satsuki exclaims. "What about _me?"_ She points to herself.

"Re-_lax, _I'm doing yours afterward." Riko says, waving a hand in her general direction.

There's silence before Naruto breaks, remembering his earlier question that never really got answered.

"Hey, you three said you already graduated remember? But the graduation test is _tomorrow_, dattebayo!"

Nami looks up from the book that she pulled out of nowhere (translation: she sealed it) and says lazily, "Well, we passed on accident."

"Accident?" Sakura repeats, disbelief coloring her tone.

"Yeah." Satsuki says, "Accident."

"How?" This time it's Sasuke who asks.

Riko takes it upon herself to answer upon realizing her siblings aren't going to. "So we were talking to Iruka-sensei for the _millionth _time, and when the conversation ended, our clones poofed away. Iruka-sensei realized that our clones had picked stuff up during the conversation, so we had to have made _solid _clones, not just illusions." She shrugged, looking up from her work as Nami's other manacle clattered to the floor and heads to take off Satsuki's manacles. "When we woke up yesterday, our hitae-ates were on our dressers." She nods to Nami's dresser, her hitae-ate still on it.

"So the test is on clones." Sachi muses.

When he hears that, Naruto becomes really panicked. "The clone jutsu?! I can't _do _ the clone jutsu!"

Riko looks at Naruto, Satsuki's manacles coming off. "But that's a really simple jutsu, Naruto. Why can't you?"

"I don't know!" Naruto wails, practically pulling his hair out in sheer nervousness.

"Naruto has too much chakra." Itachi says quietly. "Because of that, it's harder for him to separate the small amount of chakra needed for the clone technique." Everyone stares at him in shock because he said something other than 'hn'. Itachi merely ignores the stares.

"Okay," Satsuki says, "Here, Naruto, take this." She tosses a scroll at him, and he catches it. Before he can ask what it is, she says, "It's the scroll we learned the shadow clone jutsu out of."

"Really?!" He exclaims. "Thanks! I should go practice if I want to pass tomorrow, dattebayo!"

He goes to leave but is interrupted by the Uchiha's, who've been silent this whole time.

"Isn't that an S-rank jutsu?" They both ask, tilting their heads.

"Sure is."

They stay silent for a minute and then go after Naruto, who is again trying to leave, but then jumps back. The Uchiha's look out the window and then jump back as well.

"What is it?" Nami asks, her eyes never straying from her book.

Her question is answered a second later as two people in green spandex crash through the window.

"I am Maito Gai! Konoha's youthful green beast! Youth!" The older one says, with a thumbs up and his smile sparkling.

"And I am the youthful student of Gai-sensei! Rock Lee!" The smaller one says, with his own thumbs up and a sparkly smile.

Everyone stares at them in shock. Naruto, for once, has no loud mouthed comment to make, Sachi and Sasuke are staring at them in horror, and Nami has looked up from her book and seems petrified, with Riko and Satsuki in a similar state.

Two people walk in normally after them, and the self-proclaimed 'Rock Lee' takes the liberty of introducing them.

He gestures to the female with the buns, and yells, "This is Tenten! She is a youthful weapon master in training!"

He then turns to the Hyuuga, and loudly proclaims, "This is Hyuuga Neji! He is a youthful user of the Byakugan, and of the Hyuuga's Gentle Fist technique!"

Maito Gai steps forward once again and says, "I am to be the teacher of the Nekono triplets!"

Everyone swivels to stare at the triplets, who have all gone pale enough to rival Orochimaru.

"Ah, so _you _three are the youthful triplet geniuses I am supposed to teach! Let us go along and do a warm up! Afterwards, we shall properly introduce ourselves!" After saying that, he jumps out the window again with Lee right on his heels.

"Gai-sensei!"

Rock Lee's shout can be heard through all of Konoha.

"Lee!"

And so can Gai's answering shout.

The Nekono's state at them, their faces ashen.

Tentatively, Satsuki breaks the silence. "Warm up?"

Tenten answers her question with a sweatdrop forming.

"200 laps around Konoha, 200 push-ups, and 200 sit-ups."

They somehow manage to pale even more, despite already being pale. Maito Gai comes back and takes them to start their laps, despite their best efforts to stay right where they are.

Neji and Tenten reluctantly follow.

Everyone else stays behind, including the Akatsuki, thanks to Riko for taking off the manacles.

Abruptly they all burst out laughing at their friends downright horrible luck.

The Akatsuki watch them laugh, with small smirks on some people's faces (people like Itachi) and others with wicked grins (like Hidan).

"Not going to help them?" Pein asks them, with the smallest bit of curiosity in his tone.

Sakura, Naruto, Sachi, and Sasuke think about it for a second, and then all of them say in unison, "No way in hell."

They continue laughing, and in the background, you can hear the triplets screaming out horrible threats to all of them, but the Hokage gets most of them.

…

The Hokage's office, the Hokage hears their threats and simply chuckles, looking out of the window and seeing them doing their 'warm ups'.

…

_**Author's notes:**_

_**So updates will NOT, I repeat, NOT be every day like the last one and this one are. I haven't worked out a schedule yet, but there'll probably be one every week. **__**Probably.**_

_**Anyway, please review! I'd like to know If people actually like what I'm writing, or if they'd like something specific to happen. This is my first fanfic and I'm honestly excited!**_

_**So again: PLEASE. REVIEW.**_

_**Thanks.**_

_**Ja ne!**_


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